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Happiest New Year

January 7, 2018
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Last year, in what should have been a calm year after the unrelenting disasters of 2013-2016, my summer plans were unexpectedly laid to waste by a ripple-effect tsunami of anxiety. Terrifying day-long panic attacks and insomnia that came seemingly out of nowhere forced me to drastically re-examine my stubborn insistence that I could handle all this emotional stuff myself. By the end of the summer, in order not to drown, I sought professional assistance and started on medication. It was the right choice. I stabilized, returned to my work routine, re-grounded. I settled back into the contented little life I had carefully built around myself. Well, I figured, that was 2017. Certainly better than the last few years, but not my best one either.

And then came December’s surprise twist ending: I fell off a cliff of feelings. I’m still falling.

I don’t fully know what I believe in, about what is determined for us and what we choose. But sometimes I put something out into open space, and it returns to me with gifts like I’ve never anticipated.

I posted this in April. Months later, I met someone new. She walked effortlessly into my heart, right past all my usual walls and defenses as if they weren’t even there. As if she’d been there forever. She read my post, and she got it. She wants the same.

People say things like I’ve never felt this way before and Everything just clicked and I was swept away. I’ve always felt on the sidelines of those kinds of stories, like maybe there was something about me that made them inaccessible to me. I’ve had one or two experiences that I thought were the closest approximation I could hope for. But they always felt a little bit forced, and I always had to trade away some part of myself to have them.

So when I stumbled into this incomparable human being, beautiful inside and out, who delights me on every single level, who asks nothing more of me than what I can give—I couldn’t quite believe it. I was cautiously smitten. Then we met face-to-face, and I was a goner.

I have fallen precipitously in love.

We’re not doing this by anyone else’s rules. She lives thousands of miles away. That might change, or it might not. We’re not loading each other with expectations. We have hopes, but we’re not attaching ourselves to any outcomes. We’re not requiring each other to be exclusive. We’re observing our own rapidly blossoming emotions, and gently talking each other back down when we need to. We’re agreeing to take care of ourselves first, and reminding each other to do that. We’re freely and joyfully giving each other the space to be exactly who we are.

For the first time in my life, I am experiencing what it feels like for two fully open hearts to meet. Whatever else happens from here, I will always carry this astonishing gift within me.

Happy new year.

8 Comments leave one →
  1. alsohuey permalink
    January 7, 2018 7:33 pm

    How wonderful! Happy new year to you as well.

  2. Avril Gurden permalink
    January 8, 2018 3:51 pm

    Dearest most precious niece, may your heart have wings xxx xxx love you so much

  3. Mary Marca permalink
    January 9, 2018 5:13 pm

    Lovely! And so well written. May the magic continue.

  4. Narinder Bal permalink
    January 15, 2018 11:42 pm

    So So happy for you, You deserve nothing but the best my friend and it looks like you found it :-). To Love, Heath and Happiness.

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